Our Shameful Desires
by LittleMagenta
Summary: --COMPLETE-- MerryPippin slash. They confessed to each other after so long. Everything would have been perfect, as long as they kept it secret. But it all went so wrong... How far are they willing to go? Is it really worth it?
1. Confessions

**Our Shameful Desires**

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**A/N: **I will not be making many authors notes in this story, because I don't really want to disrupt it. This is the first slash story I've ever written, and I am glad that it centers around a pair I love so much. Aaw, I love Pippin. But well oh well, he's with Merry. DON'T DENY IT, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. Jeez.

**Disclaimer:** What are you talking about? I own them, all of them! What, you think I possibly took them from somewhere else? J. R. R. Tolkien? Who in the world is that? …Okay, he's the owner of these characters, all of them! Are you happy now?

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**Chapter One: Confessions**

            Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. Two young hobbit tweens that were known around the Shire for being inseparable, and renowned for being the main cause of trouble. If anything queer were ever happening, such as waking up to find that half of the vegetables from your garden are gone, the general consensus would be that they were behind it. You could not get too angry at them though, as they were only irresponsible young tweens; Merry being twenty-nine and Pippin being twenty-one.

            Of course, it was just as abnormal when it seemed they _weren't_ plotting anything; and when this would go on for days on end, the hobbits of the Shire would become even more unnerved. 

            "They're going to think we've repented when we don't blow the Shire up," Merry mused to his companion. "That's what some people are saying, you know. That we're going to blow it up."

            "So gossipy," Pippin sighed, resting his elbows on his desk. "They've been jittery for days. It's sort of…amusing." He paused. "So, are you sure farmer Maggot's finally let his guard down?"

            Merry waved a hand. "Oh definitely, I've been checking. For the first week we didn't show up he sat on his porch with a pitchfork. He's given up on us since then, or at least that's what he wants us to believe."

            That was why they had been keeping out of trouble. While the rest of the town became even more suspicious, they waited for farmer Maggot to waver. They wanted this week's thievery to go smoothly. For once they had thought their plan through, as the call had been far too close the previous time. As soon as Merry had bent down to filch a few mushrooms, the dogs came rushing through the grass. They managed to escape with only a couple of scratches, yet they were empty handed.

            They were going to make up for that now.

            "So Merry, what you're saying is, we're either going to get enough vegetables to last a month, or we're going to die?"

            "Yep, that's pretty much it."

            Pippin made a noise much like a frightened puppy.

            They would take bags, and fill them as much as was possible, as long as they could still run fairly fast. And if all went well, they would make a second trip.

            "All right, it's about time for luncheon. He'll probably be inside. Let's go."

            Pippin's eyes widened. "But Merry…I'm hungry!"

            The older one pulled his friend from the chair he had been reclining in. "You can wait, Pip. It's worth it."

            "But _Merry—!"_

            "Come on!"         

-

            The two quickly made their way to the edge of the property, trying not to be seen by the other hobbits. They did not want to draw attention to themselves. Those who did see them however, cringed and continued on with their business.

            Pippin agreed when Merry suggested it might be better if they split up. He would have preferred they stay together, but Merry was older, and probably knew more of how to go about things than him. Still, Pippin held on to the paranoid idea that the dogs might find him. He replayed the vision in his head over and over again. They would catch onto his scent, and be upon him before he even had time to scream. Besides, any opportunity to be near Merry was not to be wasted…

            Pippin mentally slapped himself for thinking such thoughts. If Paladin ever knew…but worse, what would _Merry think?_

            The said hobbit had only been walking for less than a minute when he came across the first cabbage patch. He bent down to inspect them, shoving the best cabbages with no rotten spots into his bag. He left the damaged ones for farmer Maggot.

            All was going well thus far. After he had gone through some carrots, he decided he had a fairly good load. All he needed were some mushrooms. The farmer was no where to be found, and most importantly, neither were his vicious dogs.

            The dogs. Merry shuddered, remembering how close they had come to him the last time; snapping at his heels. Shoving the memory from his mind, he wondered how Pippin was doing. The thought did not linger, and rapidly traveled elsewhere.

            "Mmm, mushrooms…"

            Merry knew exactly where they grew. The first time, it had taken a while to find where they thrived. They were not familiar with the seemingly infinite maze of grass then. Nevertheless, they discovered the mushrooms, and as soon as the area was found, it was not forgotten. Merry found it quite quickly, and promptly finished filling his bag to the top. Slinging it over his shoulder, he cut through the grass to make a faster path. When he emerged, Pippin was no where to be seen.

            Merry dropped his bag under a tree and ran a hand down his face.

            "Pippin…where are you?"

            Sure that his stolen veggies would be completely safe where he left them, Merry ventured back onto farmer Maggot's property. He dismissed the thought that perhaps the dogs had found him. He would have heard Pippin scream for help. A smile played over his face as he thought of the high-pitched, frantic way Pippin screamed.

            He wouldn't have had heard Pippin scream if he didn't have _time_ to scream.

            The smile left Merry's face. He swallowed a large lump in his throat, and frenetically began tearing through the grass. He was making so much noise himself that he was unable to ear the pounding footsteps and gasping behind him.

            "Merry! Help me!"

            Merry whirled around. Not far behind him, and catching up quickly, was Pippin. Merry could justify by the way Pippin was running that something had happened to one of his legs, and he was combating pain with every step he took. This pain would have been nothing compared to the bite of the dog that was pursuing him. Yet, not wanting to be a disappointment, he still held tight to his own bag of stolen vegetables.

            "Pippin, you fool! Drop the bag or give it to me!"

            Pippin shoved his sack into Merry's arms and continued running. Merry followed after him. The dogs would stop chasing them as soon as they got off the property, considering they made it.

            "What happened to you?" Merry asked in-between ragged, gasping breaths. "There's—there's _blood_ on your bag!"

            Pippin made not an attempt to answer, and continued to sprint as fast as his legs could carry him.

            They did end up making it without being ripped to shreds, albeit barely. Merry threw his friend's bag near his own. Pippin leaned against the tree and sank to the ground, breathing heavily.

            "I'm not sure," he said, answering Merry's question now that they were out of danger. "I was just about to grab some potatoes, and the dog was just _there_. Either it bit me in the leg or I stepped on something. I don't know, but I fell. It bit my arm, so I punched it right in the face with my free hand and ran." He cringed. "It hurts, Merry."

            Merry knit his eyebrows together. "Don't worry; I'll get you home all right. You need to stop using that leg. I'll carry both the bags and you can lean on me."

            "Can you handle all that?"

            "I'll manage for you."

            A chill went up and down Pippin's spine. He tentatively placed a hand on Merry's shoulder and steadied himself on one foot. Merry glanced down at the one he held up.

            "For goodness' sake, Pippin!" he exclaimed. "You're not _sure_ if it bit you? Ridiculous! That huge _gash_ did not appear out of thin air!" Pippin looked sick.

            "Don't worry," Merry added rapidly. "I can fix it up easy. Just think of the mushrooms I managed to get, and how good they'll be."

            Pippin winced and laid his head down on Merry's shoulder as droplets of crimson blood dripped down his ankle and onto the ground, not giving the slightest thought to mushrooms. Following Merry's lead, Pippin hopped back to his hobbit hole. It took much longer than usual, though, as Merry was weighed down by two full bags of vegetables and supporting some of the weight of a seventy-pound hobbit. Eventually they made it. Merry abandoned the bags in the hallway, and led Pippin to his bedroom.

            "All right, take your shirt off."

            Pippin's breath caught in his throat. "W-_what_, Merry?" he choked.

            "Take your shirt off," Merry replied impatiently. "I need to see if the heinous _beast_ got you anywhere else."

            "I don't think…" Pippin pulled his shirt up over his head, revealing another lesion on his side.

            "Oh, I…it definitely didn't bite me there. I must have scratched it on something when I fell."

            "Does it hurt much?" Merry pressed down on the skin near the cut. 

            Pippin lurched forward, clutching at his side as pain mingled with delight. "Yes, Merry," he whimpered. "It hurts. Please don't do that again."

            Merry looked into the hobbit's pathetic, pleading eyes and could not defy him.

            "All right, all right. Calm down." Merry pet the top of Pippin's head, smiling. "I'll fix you up. Just stay here and don't try to walk."

            Pippin obediently stayed where he was, tilting his head backwards to gaze at the ceiling. His companion headed to the kitchen.

            _'Does he? Could he? Don't fuel this temptation, Merry. It's not natural.'_

            Merry returned with a wet cloth and bandages. The bite on Pippin's left arm was fixed first and quickly. Next he moved down to the cut on Pippin's side, leaning in far too close for comfort. The younger hobbit sat remarkably stiff the entire time, biting back pain and fighting a strong urge to wrap his arms around Merry and tell him everything. Right then and there. Everything he felt.

            When Merry reached the laceration above Pippin's ankle, he was in just the right position for Pippin to receive a strong whiff of his scent. Pippin inhaled deeply. Merry smelled, as one might have expected, earthy. Pippin absolutely loved it. It wasn't just _earthy. It was different. It was Merry._

            Merry finished bandaging the last wound and rose to his feet. "How's that?"

            "Wonderful…" Pippin replied, sighing almost drunkenly.

            "What…?"

            "Uh, you know, I mean…it's fine." Pippin wished he could sink down into his sheets and disappear.

            His companion had other plans. In one swift movement, he yanked Pippin off of the bed and wrapped his arms around his neck.

            "Oh come on, Pippin, everyone knows you can't resist me," he said jokingly.

            Pippin barely fought off a heart attack. "Merry—" he gasped, "What are you doing?! Let me go; it hurts!"

            _'Know by now not to listen to a single thing I say...'_

Pippin's words prevailed over his thoughts. Merry dropped Pippin back onto the bed and crossed his arms.

            "Please, you know it's true." He grinned devilishly, seeming to think the entire thing was hilarious.

            "So…so what if it is, Merry?" Pippin blurt out. He bit his bottom lip, willing his threatening tears to stay hidden behind his eyelashes. "…So what if it is?"

            Just then, Merry didn't feel much like playing around anymore. He stared at Pippin in shock.

            "And let me guess," Pippin continued, looking up at him. "Now you're going to say, 'For goodness' sake, Pippin, what is the matter with you? How disgusting. I was only joking.' So just say it now and get it over with. Then you can go back to your house and leave me here, embarrassed and foolish."

            He was staring at the floor now, unable to look Merry in the eye.

            "It's probably for the best, anyway. My father wouldn't—" But Merry cut Pippin off in the most unexpected, astonishing way, causing his tears to finally spill over. 

            "Damn your father," Merry said, breaking the kiss. "It does seem, Pippin, that I like you quite a lot too."

            Neither of them heard the door open minutes later. Neither of them heard the footsteps approaching the room. And neither of them saw the hobbit that stood in the doorway, staring at them in silent horror.

            No, that could not be his son.

            He would not believe it. He could not believe it.

            Neither would he accept it. He drew a deep breath.

            "…_PEREGRIN TOOK!"_

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	2. Difficulties

**Our Shameful Desires**

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**A/N: **I lied when I said I wouldn't make many authors notes. I cannot help it…I'm sorry. *Tear* What the hell, why am I apologizing to you? Bah. Aha, I kid. I would like to apologize ahead of time for all the grief I put a certain character through in this chapter. Don't hurt me. *Hides* I managed to stick in quite a bit of humor without taking away from the whole thing.

I know that the events of the first chapter happened a bit quickly, like some of you mentioned. But that's because the story focuses on their troubles staying together, not how they _got_ together. That chapter was sort of like a…prelude. That's why it's a lot shorter than all the other chapters will be.

And I just need to mention this…there's a part in here where Paladin (who I turned into an asshole) says, "You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me grandchildren." Well, when I was writing it out, I wrote him saying, "You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me _nightmares."_

Uuh…oh well. That's not entirely untrue, is it?

Okay, enjoy the chappy now! …GAY HOBBITS!!!

**Disclaimer:** I thought I did this already. Leave me the hell alone, dagnabbit.

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**Chapter Two: Difficulties**

            They tore away from each other, both of them gasping and red in the face. Pippin's eyes widened in horror.

            "N-no! How could you just barge in like that? Don't you know how to _knock?"_

            "It is a small crime compared to what you've been doing in here with this Brandybuck, Peregrin!"

            Pippin broke out in a cold sweat and found it hard to breathe. "You don't understand…I just got hurt outside doing…things, and he had to carry me home, and it was just…"

            Paladin would hear none of it. He stormed over to the both of them, fiercely shoving Merry to the floor, and pulling him right back up by the earlobe.

            "You are going to go home, and speak nothing of this."

            Merry obediently left without a word, first glancing apologetically at Pippin. He hung his head.

            "It was just a caught in the moment th—"

            "_Shut up_." Paladin sat down next to his shocked son. "I am upset with you, but not entirely angry at you. It's mostly that cousin of yours." He shook his head. "I knew he was a bad influence on you. I'm sure he was the start of this whole thing."

            Pippin stayed silent.

            "I would be happy if you were with someone, had it not been…a boy. That's not the way it's supposed to be. You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me grandchildren."

            "I know it's not right," Pippin said, "but I've really liked him for a long time…"

            "It's just a phase," Paladin assured him. "You'll grow out of it soon enough. So I'd appreciate it if you would break it off with _him_ more sooner than later."

            He said it as if it was a request, but Pippin could sense the danger lurking behind his words. He had been able to sense it from the beginning. Paladin _was_ angry at him. Exceedingly angry. Yet he had been conversing with Pippin calmly, thinking that if he lashed out on his son, Pippin would rebel and continue to see the other boy just to spite him.

            Paladin was right. And even though Pippin saw right through him, he couldn't help but feel like the filthiest being to ever grace the planet.

-

            Paladin's words hit Pippin so hard, that whenever he found himself thinking of Merry, everything Paladin said would come rushing back to him. He would find himself then sick to his stomach. He continued to see Merry though, despite everything. Paladin knew it and kept a watchful eye, convinced that soon Pippin's _'phase'_ would end.

            No more than a week after the whole ordeal, the hobbits of the Shire began to act queerly towards the two. People seemed to regard them with discomfort; dropping whatever they were doing to keep a wary eye.

            Merry was about to burst, with a strong urge to scream and ask what everyone was staring at. He was so perturbed, in fact, that when a little hobbit child tapped him on the back, he almost slapped the lad clear across the face.

            "What do you want?" he hissed.

            The young one took a moment to examine Pippin, and then turned back to Merry. "Mister Meriadoc sir, why do you want to have such an ugly girlfriend?"

            Merry's jaw dropped. Pippin's eyes widened in shock.

            "I-I'm not a girl!"

            "That's not what _my mommy said," the hobbit child said innocently. "I didn't think you were, but I heard my mommy talking with Miss Rosie Cotton earlier today. She was saying, 'Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took together. It's just not right.' But I've never heard of two __boys being together, so I figured one of you was just a __really ugly girl."_

            "And you think it's me," Pippin said, as more of a statement, with agitated half-closed eyes.

            The young hobbit nodded and smiled brightly. Pippin regarded him with silent hatred. And all of a sudden, such a loud string of curse-words left his mouth that people standing near the entrance of the Green Dragon turned their heads. The hobbit child did not scream nor cry; just turned on his heel and dashed away as fast as he could.

            An elderly woman's voice from far away called back, "That is no way for a young lady to speak!"

            Pippin's face contorted with fury. "I am not a _lady_!"

            Unable to calm him down, Merry took Pippin's arm and led him away from the crowd. They went to a quiet spot in the field and sat down; Pippin's face red and burning.

            "I'm sorry I let them get to me," Pippin whimpered, unable to be angry when Merry had his arms around him.

            "It's not your fault," Merry assured him. "How did they all find out?"

            "I don't know…Paladin wouldn't tell. He wants…well, _wanted_ to keep it hidden until the day he died." He shook his head. "Who could have found out…who is nosey, and would just _love_ to get their hands on some gossip like that?"

            "Every hobbit in the Shire."

            "True."

            "We should go to Frodo," Merry said. "He'd help us, wouldn't he? He wouldn't shun us, right?"

            "No." Pippin was calm by now. "Maybe he knows who started this whole thing."

            The two ventured down to Hobbiton, keeping out of sight. Merry knocked on the door at Bag End, and Frodo Baggins opened it straight away.

            "I thought I might be seeing you two soon." He smiled, incinerating any doubt of his friendship that Merry and Pippin might have had. "Sam is here, too. Come on in."

            Frodo led the two hobbits into the living room, where Samwise Gamgee was sitting, and drinking tea. They sat down next to each other on a couch, glancing around nervously.

            "So, you've heard about…us?" Pippin inquired.

            "Yes, and one of the first to find out," Frodo replied. "Sam came over later this morning when he heard the news."

            "How _did you find out?" Merry asked._

            "Who else?" Sam said with a disgusted sigh. "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She comes around early morning yelling, 'You'll never guess what I heard last week! I heard yelling coming from one of the Took's houses, and it seems those two, Merry and Pippin, are lovers; and Paladin is none too happy about it."

            Pippin felt his face begin to burn again. "I should have known…but why would she wait so long before spreading it?"

            "Probably wanted us to believe our secret was safe," Merry said bitterly.

            Frodo's eyes were full of concern. "What do you plan on doing now?"

            "I don't know," Pippin moaned. "How can we stop all these rumors and still stay together?"

            "Well," Sam said, "this could be fixed if we make everyone think you weren't together anymore. Then we'd have to somehow convince them that you don't go for…other guys. It's the only way."

            This was true, and thus the plan was spawned. Somehow, they would convince all the hobbits of the Shire that Merry and Pippin had broken through their 'phase' and called it quits for good. To do that, they needed another element. Frodo convinced a young hobbit, Diamond of Long Cleeve, to pretend to be involved with Pippin. As it was planned, when all had been forgotten, they would 'break up'. 

            They first told Paladin the news. Now with the thought that Merry and Pippin had separated, he was ecstatic. The fact that Pippin was now with someone else didn't matter so much, as long as his 'phase' was over.

            "I'm very happy for you," he said, glowing. Pippin masked his discomfort.

            "Yes…so am I. I guess you were right. It only took two weeks to get over _him_."

            "What did I tell you?" Paladin refrained from a victorious sneer. "You haven't been seeing him around much lately, have you?"

            Pippin's throat tightened. "No. when we decided to…not…well, our friendship sort of drifted as well."

            How could Paladin not see he was lying through his teeth? It was the hopeful delusion of a father, more concerned with family pride, but in a small corner of his mind, worried for his son's well-being.

            Pippin felt like slime for lying, but there was nothing else he could do.

-

He spent his days with Diamond and his nights hiding with Merry at her house. None but they, Sam, and Frodo were the wiser. 

            It was a fine morning, three weeks after the spread of their secret. Pippin and Diamond sat together outside. Hobbits smiled at them as they passed.

            "I'm sorry I had to get you involved in this," he apologized.

            "Oh, no." Diamond laughed. "This whole thing is pretty exciting."

            "I'm twenty one, and you're sixteen," Pippin said. "We're barely of age. What do they think we're going to do, get married?"

            "They're just excited because you're with a girl."

            "But I'm _not."_

            "That doesn't matter, as long as they think you are."

            Pippin sighed. "So why did you help us, really?"

            Diamond giggled. "Well, a little while back I took a bit of a liking to you. I was disappointed when I found out you were with Merry, but as long as you're happy with it, I'm fine. So when Frodo asked for my help, I figured why not help?"

            Pippin smiled, unable to be more thankful.

-

            Night soon fell, and the two headed back to Diamond's hobbit hole. Two hours later, Merry appeared at the door. Diamond retreated to her bedroom and left them alone in the living room. They sat on the couch together, content for the first time in the entire day.

            "I could barely handle the day alone," Merry told Pippin. "I went down to the Green Dragon with Frodo and Sam to keep myself occupied."

            Pippin curled into a ball, resting his head against Merry's chest. "When can things go back to normal? When can we be together in the daylight again?"

            "Soon," Merry assured him. "Only another few days, I promise. Then you can 'break up' with Diamond and we can 'resolve our differences'."

            Pippin hoped that were the case. There was another thought that he was fighting to suppress. He would leave Diamond of course; he had no feelings for her whatsoever. But why _couldn't he and Merry go back to being friends? Pippin never entirely wanted anything to happen in the first place. He had battled his emotions, and thought he had been winning for a while. He felt like dirt for loving Merry as more than a friend, and _cousin _no less. He felt like dirt for lying to everyone._

            But no, all the same, Pippin _loved loving Merry and didn't __care that he had to lie to everyone. He had been happy with Merry for that short moment…_

            He sighed into Merry's shirt and fell asleep.

-

            Merry departed an hour before the sun rose. Pippin awoke facedown on a pillow that still smelled like his cousin.

            He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes. Onto another day of lies and deceit. He felt sick. One thing had to be pushed aside before he went absolutely insane.

            Pippin ventured down the hall to Diamond's room. Not bothering to knock on the door, he walked in and approached her sleeping form.

            "Diamond, wake up. This is important."

            Diamond half-consciously made a rude comment about Pippin's mother and buried her face deeper into the pillow.

            "_Diamond!"_

            Her eyes snapped open and she jerked up into a sitting position; knocking Pippin in the jaw with her forehead. He froze, stunned.

            "Okay…_ow."_

            Diamond smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

            Pippin shook himself off. "Never mind, it's quite all right. Diamond, as soon as you can, get ready, and run out that door screaming and crying."

            Her eyes widened. "You really think it's time?"

            "I couldn't care less. If I don't stop one of the lies now, I'll knife myself."

            Within half an hour, Diamond was down at the Shire bawling her eyes out. She told everyone how Pippin decided he wasn't ready for another relationship so soon, and needed a month or two of peace before going out and looking for another girl. She made sure to emphasize the fact that it was a _girl_ he was looking for.

            By midday the news spread, and everybody had heard. Pippin felt much better with that weight off his chest. He, Frodo, Sam, and Merry met up at the Green Dragon shortly after.

            "Couldn't wait just a few more days, huh?" Merry said, grinning devilishly.

            Pippin blushed. "Merry! Not in public! I do _not_ want to go through all this again!" He glanced around nervously. People were indeed staring at them, but not in such a manner as that day almost a month before.

            He jumped as someone slapped him on the back, spraying a mouthful of ale in Sam's face. Sam blinked twice, and wiped the drink off onto his shirt sleeve.

            "Delicious, Pippin, thank you. Nothing better than ale and Took spit."

            Frodo and Merry snorted, trying not to break into hysterics, but Pippin was only half-listening. The hobbit behind him was middle-aged, and not one Pippin knew too well.

            "So I hear it's all over with you and Diamond, eh? Pity. She was a nice girl." He leaned down so he was level with Pippin. "So what's up with you and your cousin now, anyway?"

            Pippin turned white. "W-we've gone back to being friends," he choked out. "You see, it was just the curiosity of a young hobbit that got us, you know? We were really embarrassed after, so we didn't speak for a while. We're fine now."

            The hobbit stared at Pippin, possibly trying to decide if this was the truth. Pippin flashed what he hoped was a sincerely innocent smile.

            "…All right." The hobbit went back to sit with his friends, losing all interest. Pippin heaved a sigh of relief, the feeling of nausea that had been building up finally subsiding.

            "Everyone'll know that story by nightfall," Merry said with disdain. "Nice quick thinking, Pip. I couldn't have done it better myself."

            And the story was general knowledge by nightfall, so the hobbits paid no mind when Merry and Pippin walked through the shire alone that night. They arrived at Pippin's hobbit-hole without being disturbed so much as once.

            Merry had not felt the weight of the lies as Pippin did. As it was, his parents refused to speak to him, and that was absolutely fine in his opinion. He was glad that Pippin no longer had to endure the pressure.

            Pippin opened the door for Merry. It was closed rather vigorously when the older hobbit slammed him against it, unable to contain himself now that they were out of sight and out of mind. Merry's arms holding Pippin were the only things that kept him from sinking to his knees.

            It wasn't exactly lying if Paladin hadn't _asked_ if they were back together, was it?

            They sat in Pippin's living room for hours, talking about anything that came to mind. Merry had to return home, but procrastination was not a skill he hadn't mastered.

            When Pippin drifted off in the middle of a sentence, Merry kissed his forehead and quietly took his leave.

-

            "Wake up, Peregrin. Let me in _now."_

            Pippin jerked awake so violently he rolled clean off of his couch and onto the floor. He sprang to his feet and brushed himself off, finding Paladin staring in through his window. Paladin waited not a second after the door was open to assail his son.

            "Eglantine believed you. I wanted to, but there was no way…yet I gave you the benefit of the doubt. And this is what you do to me!"

            Pippin was struck before he could protest.

            "Don't try to give me and worthless explanations this time. I can beat you much harder than that. Did you think I wouldn't watch to make sure? Well I tell you what; I'm banging it out of you for sure this time."

            Paladin slammed the door and took hold of Pippin's arm, shoving him back down onto the couch.

            "I could have just disowned you like Saradoc and Esmeralda did to your cousin. I'm still not quite sure why I didn't. Maybe it was because I knew that the shame would never leave me.

            "I am ending it now. When I'm finished with you, you won't want to look another lad in the eye again for as long as you live."

            So it was said, and so it began. Paladin basically put Pippin under house arrest; telling of anyone who might stop by with the tale that he had fallen ill. 

            The cruelty lasted for three days. It was on the night of the third day that Paladin left, leaving Pippin, bruised and traumatized, quivering on the floor.

-

            "You're a filthy, dirty little hobbit."

            "I know, sir."

            "Then say it."

            "I'm a filthy, dirty little hobbit."

            "I'm an abnormal disgrace and don't deserve to walk this earth."

            "I'm…"

            "Say it."

            "I can't. I just don't believe it."

            "You'll believe what I tell you to believe!"

            "Y-yes…"

            "You don't _really like that boy, do you?"_

            "I can't help it, I…stop! _It hurts!"_

            "Then tell me the truth!"

            "I don't love him!"

            "Is that right?"

            "Yes."

            "What else is right?"

            "I'm an abnormal, disgraceful, dirty, filthy little hobbit."

            "Do you believe it?"

            "…Yes. I believe it."

            "Good. Now apologize for disappointing your _entire_ family."

            "I'm sorry…I'm _so sorry! What did I do? What have I done? I'm—"_

-

            "_I'M SORRY_!"

            Why? Why did he have to dream about that? It was just one of the painful memories of those three days. And the worst part was, when he had said he believed it…he meant it.

            Pippin did not care that it was the dead of night. He didn't care how far away Buckland might seem in the dark. He wandered aimlessly trying to find his way, the sheer disgust that he felt for himself driving him on.

            At last Merry's house came into view. It was pitch black inside. Of course, normal hobbits were sleeping.

            But Merry wasn't a normal hobbit.

            Merry was an abnormal, dirty, filthy hobbit.

            Just like him.

            Pippin threw himself onto the door and pounded on it frantically.

            "Pippin!" Merry opened the door, sending Pippin falling face-first onto his floor. "Any louder and I think you would have woken my ancestors!"

            Merry tried to keep the mood light, but there was something about Pippin's expression that made him worry.

            "I needed to talk to you," Pippin gasped. "It couldn't wait."

            "What's the problem?" Merry battled a strong feeling of dread.

            "I-I…" Pippin choked on his words. But there was no going back now.

            "I can't see you anymore, Merry."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------


	3. My Immortal

**Author's Note:** Heeey, sorry for the huge delay. The story is back now, though! And I'm actually halfway through chapter four, the final chapter. So no worries, friends! The block is over, and this will be finished soon.

Sorry this is a little short, though. Any more and it would have just gotten repetitive. The next chapter is longer.

~

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childhood fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Because your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just so much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have…_

_All of me_

~

            "I can't see you anymore, Merry."

            "Pippin…you know you don't mean that."

            "I'm sorry, I…I have to go."

            Merry, lying on his back on his bed, let a single tear fall. It fell sideways and dripped into his ear, but he didn't care. That moment kept playing in his head as long as he didn't keep himself busy; and he had nothing to do now. It haunted his leisure time, his sleep…every day and night for almost a week now.

            Merry hadn't spoken to Pippin since that night – not that he didn't try. Pippin was avoiding him. If they were about to pass on the road, Pippin would turn the other way. If Merry said "hello", he was ignored. He didn't know what brought on the change in Pippin. The last time he had seen him…that night, it all had been perfect. He refused to believe that Pippin had made the decision by himself.

            Frodo and Sam were never formally told of the separation, but it wasn't very hard to guess. Whenever the name of Meriadoc Brandybuck was brought into conversation, Pippin acted as if he had no idea who the hobbit was – as if every memory had been erased.

            They brought it up to Merry one day as they sat in the Golden Dragon. Pippin was no where to be found.

            "You know…" Sam said, staring down into his ale. "We haven't seen Pippin around. You seen him lately?"

            Merry stared at him, then shook his head nonchalantly. "Nope. Can't say I have."

            "What happened with you two?" Frodo inquired.

            Merry stood up in a huff, slamming his mug down onto the table. "I don't know. And it's not your business anyway. I just…don't know."

            He stormed out of the Golden Dragon, gaining the attention of many drunk hobbits as his feet pounded the floor.

            The weather outside was sickeningly beautiful. The sun was shining, and it was warm. Little hobbit children were healing in the fields.

            Merry leaned himself against the wall of the bar, trying to calm himself down.

            Then he saw him.

            Merry straightened immediately. The calm look on Pippin's face and the nature of his walk told Merry he had not been spotted. Merry fell into step behind his cousin, following him down to Hobbiton.

            Pippin walked the whole way there, none the wiser that he was being followed. At last he arrived at his destination, Bag End. Pippin knocked on the door; left disappointed when it was not answered.

            "Oh well. He must not be home."

            "I was just with him, Peregrin Took, and Frodo Baggins is quite the confused little hobbit. And frankly, so am I."

            Pippin gasped loudly. "Merry! How…why are you following me?"

            Merry advanced on him. "I want you to talk to me, Pippin. Tell me what happened."

            Pippin made an attempt to run, but Merry held tight to his shoulders.

            "How can you be all right without me? How could you forget me so easily? I thought we had something. Didn't we?"

            Pippin bit his lip so hard it bled.

            "No…I'm not happy," he said, trembling. "But I have to _fight_ it. I have to be _normal_. What we did…we shouldn't have. It wasn't right. I'm sick, Merry. You're sick, too. But I, at least, am trying to do something about it."

            Merry's grasp on Pippin tightened as his face contorted with a mixture of fury and despair. Pippin winced, thinking he was about to be struck. Instead, he was released. But he didn't run. Something about the expression on Merry's face froze him on the spot.

            "…I still love you, Pippin."

            The younger hobbit found his legs and ran.

~

            "That was a harsh punishment you dealt him with, sir."

            "I know, Mr. Baggins. But it had to be done."

            Frodo paced slowly around Paladin Took's living room.

            "The results of your actions…"

            "Are just what I wanted. My son is no longer interested in that cousin of his. Now he can go on and live a normal, happy life with some hobbit lass when he finds one."

            "A normal, happy life?" Frodo said, trying to keep his temper under control. "Paladin, since you released him, I do not believe I have once seen him smile. He drags himself around without even a bit of the spark he used to have. That spark, I may add, is the result of his friendship with Merry all these years – even before they became involved with one another. Now he does not even have that. I do not think you understand, Paladin, that Merry was always Pippin's _life_, even before this."

            Paladin's eyes narrowed. "If you're trying to guilt me into something, it isn't working. Peregrin can find a new source for his 'spark', as you call it. Also, I've come to realize that now he and Merry _cannot_ be just friends anymore. If they are ever together, it will be romantically. I will not have my son running around with another lad. If they have to lose the friendship to make that happen, so be it."

            "I see you cannot be moved," Frodo said bitterly. "Well then, I shall not waste any more time here." He left without a farewell, and Paladin didn't at all mind.

~

            Merry tossed and turned restlessly in his bed, unable to get to sleep. Maybe he had just imagined what he was sure Pippin's eyes conveyed. He didn't want to get his hopes up. He didn't want to be hurt again.

            "He's not happy…he still loves me. I know he does."

            He rolled onto his side. "I know that bastard father of his did something to him. There's no other explanation for all this." 

            He rolled onto his stomach and muttered into his pillow. "Why couldn't Pippin just admit Paladin may not always be right…why does he have to _care_ so much?"

~

_            He is trying so hard to forget me. Yet he still loves me. I could still win. I could get him back._

_            But then, wouldn't he be disappointed in himself for failing yet again? That's the only emotion he feels – disappointment, and only in himself. I don't want o bring even more of that upon him. I love him, but if he gives up and returns it, he'll hate himself. He'll think himself dirty; maybe even unfit to live. No. I don't want that for him._

_            Maybe though, he could possibly get over me. I could try to help him along – give him his space and ask Frodo and Sam not to mention my name around him._

_            If he forgets is feelings for me, he'll be happy. Maybe then we could become friends again. Maybe even more._

_            But I, in turn, have to forget _him_ if this is to work. Just for a little while._

_            It will be difficult. I hear his voice in my head. He invades my dreams; my every thought._

_            It's almost like he's a part of me now._

_            Or maybe he always was._

~

My Immortal © Evanescence 


	4. Tender

Our Shameful Desires 

-

**Author's Note:** I am so…so…SO sorry that this last chapter took so long. Part of the reason I wrote this was to practice NOT abandoning multi-chapter stories. I succeeded in finishing this one, but it took SEVEN MONTHS FOR FOUR SHORT CHAPTERS. This final chapter is the shortest one (SICKENINGLY short to me), and it took me so long. You can shoot me if you want to, really. Please review and tell me…was this last chapter _really_ worth the wait?

Ah well, in other news…my fifteenth birthday was July 6th, a week ago. Send me presents with your mind-powers.

------------------------------------------------------

Tender is the night  
Lying by your side  
Tender is the touch  
Of someone that you love too much  
Tender is the day  
The demons go away  
Lord, I need to find  
Someone who can heal my mind

_Come on, come on, come on  
Get through it  
Come on, come on, come on  
Love's the greatest thing  
Come on, come on, come on  
Get through it  
Come on, come on, come on  
Love's the greatest thing  
That we have  
_

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**Chapter Four: Tender**

A few weeks ago Merry had almost been a faraway thought – just an occasional, random memory that sent a chill up his spine. But ever since that day one week before, when Merry confronted Pippin, the hobbit was on his mind constantly.

Pippin was also frightened by his own confession from that day – "No, I'm not happy." That was the first time Pippin had revealed that to even himself.

"I'm thinking about this obsessively again," Pippin said, disgusted with himself, "and I don't even realize it."

Now he was thankful for the plans he had made with his father that day. It would take his mind off things. They had simply made plans to take a walk and have a bite to eat – and hopefully, Merry would not turn up on the way.

Pippin was fixing his shirt when Paladin knocked on the door. He opened it cheerfully. Their relationship had definitely improved over the past few weeks.

Pippin pretended to be happy about it.

They walked through the fields outside first. The cool wind cleared Pippin's head; but he couldn't help but notice Paladin behaving in an odd manner.

"I…" he started. "I'm not sure if you know…just how proud of you I am right now."

Pippin winced.

"Your smiles seem strained around me. Maybe you're still upset about what I had to do to you a month ago. I know it might have seemed harsh, but it really was for the best. Look how much better things are now."

Pippin kicked at a pebble, thinking to himself.

_I liked things better the way they were before._

-

Weeks of avoiding Merry were over. If this weight was to be lifted from Pippin's chest, he needed to talk to Merry – in private.

Pippin's head swam with dread. He and Merry alone…who knew what could happen? And worse, if it did…who would _know_?

Little did the hobbit know, Merry wasn't planning on speaking to him for quite some time, and he was extremely taken aback a few hours later when he found Pippin on his doorstep.

"Oh. Pippin. I haven't seen you in a while. Do you need to borrow something?"

"No. I need to talk to you."

Merry paused. "I'm actually quite busy now," he said slowly.

"…Oh." Pippin lowered his head, dejected. "Maybe some time tomorrow, then?"

Merry nodded, then quickly returned to his house and closed the door. Pippin shivered and headed home.

Inside the other hobbit's house, Merry Brandybuck lowered himself to the floor by his doorway to try and calm his pounding heart.

-

As Pippin expected, when he ventured back to Merry's hobbit hole the following day, he was no where to be found. Merry was avoiding Pippin, and with good reason. Even he would admit to that.

A picture of Merry formed in the young hobbit's head. With it came butterflies to his stomach, and a lightness in his head – then a feeling of sadness. Pippin was not happy without his cousin. He couldn't be.

"Maybe he went down to Hobbiton," he said to himself. Without taking a moment to rest, he started off to Bag End.

He did not spot Merry along the way. And Bag End stood empty of company, save for Samwise Gamgee. Neither he nor Frodo had seen Merry that day.

"You honestly wish to speak with him?" Frodo said, surprised. "I never thought I'd see you two look each other in the eye again."

"I know," Pippin said weakly, slumping down into a chair. "But I can't do it. It's driving me out of my head. I've been trying, but I don't think my feelings for him have changed at all. Maybe talking to him will settle all this, you know?"

"You want to be with him again?" Frodo speculated.

Pippin swallowed a lump in his throat. "I don't know. I think so…but then, I don't want to. It's wrong, isn't it? No one else around here has this problem."

Frodo's expression changed to one Pippin could not identify. "Oh, Pippin…there you are wrong. There are many other hobbits in the Shire that are like you and Merry. They, though, have never had the misfortune of being found together."

"How do you know?"

Frodo smiled. "Just trust me on this one."

-

Merry and Pippin were not SO different, as the older one thought they had become. He had an anger-induced thought in his head, that Pippin would be spending all his free time sucking up to his father for the rest of his life. So, Merry figured, of course he _couldn't_be with Frodo.

Merry approached Bag End, finding the door open. He heard Frodo's voice first.

"You want to be with him again?"

Then another voice – Pippin's voice.

"I don't know. I think so."

Merry fell against the wall, dizzy. He waited a few moments, recomposing himself, before he entered the room.

"Just trust me on this one. Oh, look – it seems we have another guest."

Pippin looked up at him. Merry didn't need a mirror to know that he was blushing. It was okay, though – since Pippin was doing the same.

He couldn't tell who had taken the first step, but in an instant he had Pippin in his arms. Pippin shook against him.

"Pippin…what about your father?"

"He lied to me, Merry…he called me sick. I don't care about what he says anymore."

Merry could not stop smiling if he tried. Finally, everything was doing to be all right. He and Pippin were going to be together again, and no one had to know. Other friends besides Frodo and Sam didn't have to know, Merry's parents didn't have to know, and especially – Paladin didn't have to know. And if, by any chance, they were found out…who's business was it to mind, as long as Merry and Pippin truly care about each other?

On the other side of the room, Frodo Baggins took his gardener's hand in his own.

"Now, Sam…isn't that just the most adorable thing you've ever seen?"

-

Lyrics © Blur


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